Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
