You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
