More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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