I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
