I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
