I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
