Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
