my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
