her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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