Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
