i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Randomize
