looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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