Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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