fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think my moral compass just broke
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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