i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
