a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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