I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
