The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
