im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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