Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
