All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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