I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
