the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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