rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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