Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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