I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
