somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
