you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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