come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
