A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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