I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
