it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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