Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
