I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
