We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
