I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
