I didn't shave. On purpose
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
