i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
