like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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