I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
