All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
