I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
