Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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