Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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