Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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