i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
