Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
