Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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