I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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