He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
We have started to decorate penises.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
